2001 The Director's Cut
2001 was not the greatest year for chess, what with tournaments being cancelled
left and right, players suffering disasters, people cheating with computers.
But even if it was not so hot, it was great compared to what happened outside
the chess world. There we can justifiably speak of an all-time rotter, the worst
of the worst. Here's how Mike Thompson of the Detroit Free Press sees it:

Well, if you didn't like 2001 it may have been because you saw the original
version. As a special service to our visitors we bring you a special director's
cut of 2001, with additional, never-seen-before footage. Unfortunately we
were unable to find links to the corresponding reports
January
|
Jan 1: The real new millennium is hailed
in. Media outlets and people who celebrated on January 1, 2000 publicly
apologize for being mathematically challenged. Jan 20: George W.
Bush, walking up the steps to be sworn in as the new President, suddenly
breaks down. In tears he faces the cameras and says, "I can't do it!
It would be a moralistical outrage for me to accept the presidency when
my opponent received a quarter-million more votes." He pulls Al Gore
out of the audience and a startled Rehnquist swears Gore in. |
February
|
Feb 3: Billionaire George Soros announces Wijk
aan Zee tournament sponsorship until 2040 and says, "The freezing wind,
the beer-soaked hall, the pea soup, That's what chess is all about!"
Feb 18: Tens of thousands of people flock to Linares daily for the
annual super-tournament after the 'Lonely Planet' guidebook for Spain had
mistakenly listed the town as "the host of a spectacular chest tournament."
Local B-class participant Maria Estabella wins prize for best chest, Kasparov
comes second. |
March
|
Mar 27: Britain announces that millions of cattle
had been misdiagnosed with mad cow disease. Actually they were just suffering
from mild depression and all is well again after several thousand tons of
Prozac is mixed into their feed. Mar 14: Bill Gates purchases
Switzerland and donates it to the Jewish people, along with 4,000,000 pieces
of Samsonite luggage and business-class tickets for everybody in Israel.
Hamas and Holy Jihad announces that the fight goes on "until Switzerland
is free of the Zionist intruders." |
April
|
April 3: Thanks to the dramatic rise in the popularity
of online chess websites, the NASDAQ skyrockets to nearly 3000, carrying
the NYSE and then the entire global economy with it. April 14: The
Anna Kournikova virus is received by millions of computers worldwide. Attached
is a photo of the tennis star and a personal invitation to her home "to
maybe watch a movie or something." Despite scheduling difficulties,
she honors all the invitations. |
May
|
May 9: A coalition of players led by Peter Leko
successfully lobby to change the traditional scoring method to a soccer-style
3-1-0 system. Henceforth, losses are worth zero points, wins are one, draws
are three. May 17: Chandra Levy, the former intern of US Congressman
Gary Condit, shows up at her home from a tour of the chess circuit. "I
was playing in weekend opens," she said, revealing that she had won
200 Elo points in the process. |
June
|
June 18: Slobodan Milosevic is taken to the Hague
for war crimes, where he is cleverly cross-examined by Tom Cruise and
finally exclaims, "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
You're damn right we did a lot of ethnic cleansing!" June 22:
The US government announces it will put 1% of its budget surplus into
chess education and competition. Apparently President Gore played a key
role in the development of the game.
|
July
|
July 3: Massive riots in Bradford, England turn
out not to be racial riots at all, but instead a huge parade by all of the
town's citizens in honor of their most famous resident, Mark Crowther of
The Week In Chess. July 25: Anand wins Dortmund with +4 score. Raymond
Keene announces a deal with Saudi Arabia to fund the next BGN chess world
championship cycles. |
August
|
Aug 13: Cloning research makes great advances as
Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, and others are all successfully reproduced
in a Scottish laboratory. Sales of Pamela Anderson clones turns Scotland
into the world's largest economy and further boosts global economic outlook.
Aug 28: After two weeks playing GMs on the Fritz7 server, the clone
of Paul Morphy declares himself "ready to give these timid Russian
gentlemen a thorough thrashing." |
September
|
Sept 11: All airports are closed on American east
coast due to heavy fog. 19 middle-eastern passengers are arrested for unruly
behaviour when the flight cancellations are announced. Sept 20: Alleged
terrorist mastermind Bin Laden is killed when he steps on one of his own
land mines. Mr Laden was on his way from the cave in which he resided to
the out-house toilet facilities. |
October
|
Oct 9: Mrs. Carol Jiminsky of Chalahoochee, Florida
calls FBI to report an Anthrax problem. FBI discover that, as with the
Daschle scare, the cause was loud heavy metal music. Oct 12: Afghanistan
women revolt against ruling Taliban government and instate secular democracy
as well as full human rights. Former beauty queen Sima Wali is elected
president. Oct 30: Fritz beats Kramnik narrowly in BGN match in
Bahrain and donates entire prize money to youth chess foundation, only
picking up a hot little Palm Pilot for itself.
|
November
|
Nov 15: ChessBase CD with story of an 11-year-old
boy, Garry Plotter, who goes to grandmaster school to learn the magic of
chess openings, tactics and endgames, is made into a smash hit Hollywood
movie which breaks all box office records. The story about the wizard school
bombs. Nov 21: The entire leadership of an Afghani organisation know
to locals as "Al Kaida" is wiped out when a massive stink bomb
prematurely explodes in their Kandahar science research facilities. |
December
|
Dec 12: Madonnas latest chess song "I wanna
mate you, baby" storms the charts, overtaking her previous hit "Like
a Gee-ee-ee Em" and leading to further rise in the popularity of chess.
Dec 31: US special forces still unable to track down the rabbit that
has been destroying the flowers in the White House rose garden. "We
will get the pesky critter sooner or later," announced President Al
Gore, "Dead or alive, I don't care." |
This compilation of events would not have been possible without the invaluable
help and tireless research of our colleague Michael ("Mig") Greengard.
While living in the Argentine rain forest many years ago, Mig invented the
concept of gross humour in chess. He now writes for Kasparov
Chess.
Frederic Friedel