Chess Explorations (70)
By Edward Winter
When submitting a manuscript or article, do not worry about accuracy, spelling,
grammar or punctuation. Your publisher and core readership are unlikely to be
bothered, so why should you? Write as fast as is physically possible, and if
a book is dashed off in a weekend, regard that as a cause for pride, not shame.
Boast too about how many books or articles you have published. Declare that
you have never had bad reviews or, if that is disproved, never bad reviews from
discerning reviewers.
Use bare game-scores lifted direct from databases, taking all the details on
trust. After a quick computer-check, present any worthwhile analysis as your
own. Keep annotations as light as possible, with multi-purpose phrases like
‘a debatable decision’, ‘an absolutely fascinating and amazing
position which defies analysis’ and ‘the rest is a matter of technique’.
To inject colour, refer to octopuses, boa constrictors or anything else that
may be noticed and quoted. Exaggerate wildly. Whenever feasible, an adjective
should be preceded by ‘wholly’, ‘totally’, ‘utterly’
or ‘completely’ or, better still, by two such words in combination.
Other recommended permutations include ‘amazingly brilliant’ and
‘brilliantly amazing’.
Sprinkle in, interchangeably, jargon like ‘classical’, ‘neo-classical’,
‘post-classical’ and ‘pseudo-classical’. Make liberal
use of words like ‘portend’, ‘adumbrate’ and ‘dichotomy’.
Anything can be presented as portending anything else, so state that Anand’s
recent games remind you of Maróczy’s play in the inter-War years.
Employ phrases like ‘As Steinitz once wrote’, ‘Tarrasch always
said’ and ‘Tartakower was fond of telling us’, since anything
may safely be attributed to such figures. Claim that a happening is the best
or worst of its kind since 1851, 1927, 1948 or any other randomly chosen date.
Never research or cite primary sources. Avoid footnotes and endnotes at all
costs. ‘I think I read somewhere’ or ‘It’s often been
claimed’ is all you need. Facts are tricky in unsure hands, so focus on
opinions and commentary. Report that your views are endorsed by an ‘eminent
professor’ or a ‘leading championship challenger’. No names
are needed, or need even exist. Say too that you have been inundated with e-mail
messages of support. Above all, though, ensure that your books and columns contain
abundant appreciative references by name to your friends, relatives, associates,
co-authors and house guests.
When culling material from other writers’ books which do cite primary
sources, name neither the writers nor the sources. Ignore all historical research
undertaken in recent decades. The writings of Al Horowitz or Harold C. Schonberg
will suffice, but occasionally slip in H.J.R. Murray’s name even if you
have never read him. When uninspired, refer to Pillsbury and do a copy-paste
of the list of complex words that he memorized forwards and backwards. Gain
time and money by re-using the same material from one column or book to another,
also forwards and backwards, but avoid repetition within any six-month period.
If a book of yours is to have a bibliography (not essential), focus on your
own works and those of your friends, relatives, associates, co-authors and house
guests. Never bother with an index unless someone else will prepare it. Photograph
captions should merely confirm what the reader can see for himself. If two masters
are shaking hands, the caption should specify that a hand-shake is taking place.
If the players are laughing or smiling together, state that they are ‘sharing
a joke’.
Show a sympathetic, chummy side. The obituary of an enemy will naturally need
to be brutal, covertly if not overtly, but otherwise report that people have
died ‘sadly’ or ‘tragically’. Place yourself at the
centre of chess events, past and present. Ingratiate yourself via charity work,
duly announced before, during and after. Use photographs of yourself accompanied
by the famous. Latch on to leading players and celebrities (preferably those
unfamiliar with your track-record). Attack television for going down-market,
but seize all opportunities to appear on-screen to assist the process. In your
writings employ terms like ‘memory power’ and ‘genius’
and make regular admiring references to da Vinci and Divinsky.
Do not hesitate to lift texts (recommended maximum: four or five pages) from
other writers, presenting the material as your own. If such lifting becomes
public knowledge, attack the original writer and state that the whole affair
is totally and utterly (or wholly and completely) baffling to you. Forget memory
power and plead amnesia or, better still, blame an underling, real or imagined.
Never admit any personal wrong-doing. Go silent and hope that everything will
blow over.
Praise to the skies the books of your friends, relatives, associates, co-authors
and house guests. If you receive praise, give it maximum exposure, praising
the person who has praised you. Have at least one vanity press company of your
own if mainstream publishers have turned their back on you. Always use your
books and columns to further your political aspirations and put the best gloss
on failures. Shoot at all the soft targets; no writer ever lost popularity by
assailing FIDE. Make yourself the recipient of awards from bodies founded by
yourself or by your friends, relatives, associates, co-authors and house guests.
To keep your name in public view at a level commensurate with your abilities,
join a discussion or kibitzer group, posing as an expert. Bask in the fulsome
praise of naïve pseudonymous posters who ask you patsy questions. If unnaïve
pseudonymous posters criticize you, denounce the use of pseudonyms. Exploit
such a forum for what it is: an ideal locale for vendettas against adversaries
who are not members. When launching polemics, in any outlet, intimate that it
is your opponent who is launching polemics and that you are an innocent victim.
If you have made defamatory remarks about somebody, whether hot-headedly or
by cold design, never apologize. Go silent and hope that everything will blow
over.
If it becomes widely known that your books and articles undeniably contain
blunders, issue a denial. Make no attempt, at least initially, to rebut a critic’s
arguments, but depict him as a nitpicking nerd. If such personal attacks are
unsuccessful, affirm that his criticism is based on factual errors, giving no
examples. Next, take his words out of context and accuse him of taking your
words out of context. Then distort his arguments and rebut the distortion. If
all that fails, say that any mistakes of yours are minor. If they are then shown
to be major, blame your publisher, co-author (if any), proof-reader (if any)
or underling. Declare that your adversary’s criticisms are prompted by
jealousy. As a last resort, say that he has a hidden agenda. Resist calls to
elaborate. Go silent and hope that everything will blow over.
Above all, though, keep writing. And remember that the only sources that count
are sources of income.
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All ChessBase articles
by Edward Winter
Edward Winter is the editor of Chess
Notes, which was founded in January 1982 as "a forum for aficionados
to discuss all matters relating to the Royal Pastime". Since then, over 7,300
items have been published, and the series has resulted in four books by Winter:
Chess
Explorations (1996), Kings,
Commoners and Knaves (1999), A
Chess Omnibus (2003) and Chess
Facts and Fables (2006). He is also the author of a monograph on Capablanca
(1989). In 2011 a paperback
edition was issued.
Chess Notes is well known for its historical research, and anyone browsing
in its archives
will find a wealth of unknown games, accounts of historical mysteries, quotes
and quips, and other material of every kind imaginable. Correspondents from
around the world contribute items, and they include not only "ordinary readers"
but also some eminent historians – and, indeed, some eminent masters. Chess
Notes is located at the Chess
History Center. Signed copies of Edward Winter's publications are
currently available.