Putting chess through the satirical grinder

Uncyclopedia on Chess

Chess is a game played with small figurines and dice in dark cellars by people who were rejected by their school's other clubs.

Chess is an ancient game of strategy, horses, castles, bishops and pawns. Not to be confused with Checkers, a game known for being much less fun than Chess. The game was a popular pastime for centuries among prisoners, each of whom sought to topple their king the fastest. However, the game was barely known among the middle and upper classes before Bobby Fischer's singlehanded efforts to popularize the game in the mid-20th century, climaxing in 1972 when he convinced Boris Spassky to make chess the official game of Russia despite fierce opposition from covert and well-funded Jewish lobbyists.

Chess Rules: Chess is played by two people. They sit opposite each other with a board between them that has a bunch of pieces on it. The object of the game is to make your pieces eat your opponent's pieces. These pieces move in confusing ways, and not many people know how they move. Each player takes his or her turn, moving pieces until one of two conditions is satisfied. Either a player clearly defeats his opponent or both sides decide that they are too bored to continue playing, and so agree to draw.

If you click on the links you get subarticles like the following:

Boris Spassky was the 3rd Soviet Premier. He succeeded Tigran Petrosian, after his murder in 1953. Spassky was a reformer, and innovator, a rarity in those days. He created such programs as the Re-education camps, and the Soviet Gulag. He thawed relations with the USA, as well as the world.

Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine), is the world's largest banana republic and the world's biggest source of smaller banana republics since 1991, commonly misspelled as 'hell', 'slaughterhouse', and 'rosin', a huge piece of Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticise Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you?

More from the Chess section:

Having traditionally been popular among the lower classes and the less educated, the game has acquired several French terms over time, the most well known of which is "checkmate", derived from "j'ec matte", meaning "I grope you" or "you have been groped"... French players have received widespread acclaim for refining the act of mating and for discovering hundreds of previously unknown checkmate positions.

Chess Strategies:

• Grob Attack - Grab all your opponents pieces and attack him with them. The mis-spelling "Grob" comes from an idiot who thought it was "Grope". Over time, the name modified to Grop, then Grob.
• Trompowsky Attack - Tromp around the table, then get a cannon and POW your opponent flys into the sky. Be sure to get earplugs.
• King's Gambit - Sacrifice your King in order to gain an advantage in development. This bears no resemblance to the more successful King's Pawn Gambit.
• Sicilian Defense - Cover your pieces with a pile of long pasta noodles. Sauce is optional, but can add to effectiveness of the defense. Large slices of garlic bread go in front to form an impenetrable wall. This is exactly how the Sicilians defended their homeland in 1944 when they were attacked by Hitler and his Germans.
• Najdorf - Memorize 35 moves of opening theory, and then lose the game in 23 moves after your opponent plays the Sveshnikov, which you forgot to memorize. And yes, it really is pronounced "Nye-dorf".
• French Defense - Where you automatically surrender after your opponent's first move.

Chess Tactics:

• Castling - taking one's pieces and relocating to a nearby castle so that one is completely safe and can chortle at one's opponent as they try to assault one's impenetrable fortress. This tactic was made poular in 1922 by Sir Noel Coward, an English actor and the founder of Cowardism.
• Fork - positioning a piece such that it attacks two of the opponent's pieces at once, then closing one's eyes and reciting, "eenie, meenie, miney, moe...", before attacking one of the pieces with cutlery. Being a 'bishop forker' is generally regarded as unchristian play and is illegal in North America and some parts of Europe.
• Pin - spinning oneself around while blindfolded, then attempting to attach a tail to an opposing piece designated as "the donkey."
• Skewer - thrusting a lance across the chess board and impaling one's opponent. Note: May result in the filing of criminal charges.

Etc.

You can spend (or waste) more time perusing the rest of the Uncyclopedia article on chess and following the many links given there. Our own feeling is that it cannot hold up to real chess humour, our all-time favourite, presented by the chess historian Edward Winter in Chess Notes item 3417:

Chess sketch

Following the death of Huxley St John Brooks Chess World (1 January 1949, page 23) quoted from the South African Chess Magazine what C.J.S. Purdy described as ‘the best short humorous chess sketch ever written’. It is a seldom-seen genre, and we give the complete text below (proof-read with particular care):

Now that is world-class humour!