As you probably know, FIDE has announced that it was abandoning its efforts to make chess an Olympic discipline – after IOC President Jacques Rogge issued a statement saying: “It is played where? In dark unventilated rooms by people sitting motionless in chairs for hours, staring at a board and swigging alcohol? You gotta be kidding, right?” At the same time FIDE agreed that as a consequence of this decision it will in future be unnecessary to "hound players with 'doping tests', which have in the past threatened the careers of some of the world’s top players.”
ChessBase has warmly greeted this decision by FIDE, calling it “a correct and positive step in the right direction, one that relieves our royal game of the fetters of unnecessary administrative regulation. Players are now free to develop their full potential, using all available training methods and learning techniques that modern science has placed at our disposal.”
At the same time our marketing and products department has announced a new range of chess training supplements that can be ordered immediately or pre-ordered in cases where import regulation have caused a few unfortunate delays.
Direct from the Amazon rainforest comes the miraculous Talayahuasca plant. Why strain your visualization skills at the board when after chewing just a few leaves of Talayahuasca you can experience actual visions? The pieces will float through the air, allowing you to work out amazing combinations and even to play out entire games on the astral plane while your opponent is stuck in the now. Order our freshly imported – and completely organic – leaves or our Grow-Your-Own kit. Please allow six weeks for delivery.
Original Talayahuasca plant air-delivered from Ecuador
Who hasn't wished they could play like the world champion? Now you can play like any world champion, with our new ChessBase Rx Gene Therapy line! Each batch includes the actual synthesized DNA of a chess legend. Thanks to Prof. Igor N. Stein and the ChessBase Rx acquisition and excavation team, you aren't limited to living players we could get close enough to obtain hair samples from. That's right, not only can you turn yourself into Carlsen or Karjakin, but also Capablanca or Morphy!
And when we say "turn into," we mean it. After just a few days on our GT regimen you will start to feel the results. With the Anand Formula, your play will be lightning fast, your tactics will be unmatched. Side effects are moderate: fast speech and a craving for hot vegetarian dishes have been reported by test subjects.
Anand donating DNA samples at a formal ceremony in Chennai
Prof. Srinath Palek of the Indian GT Insitute of Research thanks Anand for
his cooperation
Kramnik Formula users gain deeper positional and endgame understanding as well as a deeper voice and, in many cases, a few inches of height.
Note: the Kramnik Formula is produced from DNA extracted in 1993!
The Young Kasparov Formula (produced from samples taken in 1981!) will push you towards the top of the Elo list, which more than makes up for the bushy black hair that has been reported as a side effect (or as some test candidates called it: “bonus features”!).
Play like a future world champion! Garry Kasparov in 1981
The Capa Formula provides instant strategic mastery, but also a certain Latin flair to your looks, which laboratory tests have shown to be fatally attractive to the ladies! [Capa Formula currently sold out].
